A joint review by The Movie Snob and The Borg Queen.
MS: Well, the American Idols came to town the other night, and The Borg Queen and I were there to see it in all its tacky glory. What was your overall impression, Your Highness?
BQ: Would you like a side of crackers with your cheese?
MS: Well said. Okay, on to the performers. I thought that Marcela did a very nice job opening the show with a couple of Whitney Houstonesque tunes.
BQ: It’s “Mandesa.”
BQ: She can sing, but overall forgettable. Plus she kept doing funky things with her hand. It was like she was stabbing somebody in a sort of Three Stooges fashion.
MS: Hmmmm, that got by me. But that next guy, Ace, was he dreamy or what?
BQ: . . .
MS: Please stop drooling and answer the question.
BQ: I’m not drooling. I’m just thinking that your thinking he was dreamy explains a few things about our defunct relationship. Anyhow, he sang all right, and he was entertaining, but he was more concerned about flexing his biceps than he was carrying a tune.
MS: Moving right along…. Who was next?
BQ: Lisa Tucker.
MS: Oh yeah. Great performer. Pretty, great voice, played the piano.
BQ: I thought she was a showstopper. Give her five years time, she’ll be back. Next up was her “best friend,” Paris. I thought she was trying too hard to be like Janet Jackson. Her outfit even reminded me of the Miss You Much video.
MS: Yeah, Paris didn’t make much of an impression on me. Can’t go wrong imitating Ms. Jackson though.
BQ: But then we came to Bucky. On the show, I thought he was total blah. In person, he still couldn’t sing that well, but he did have a certain . . . meow!
MS: EEEWWWW!!!! That long-haired hippie cowboy dork? He couldn’t sing his way out of a paper bag. I could see Kelly Pickler’s bile rising when she had to duet You’re the One That I Want with him.
BQ: I thought Pickler was adorable during the TV show, but she was a bit of a letdown in person. She didn’t really seem to be paying attention to the show.
MS: She was a firecracker, though! I’d go to her Sonic anytime.
BQ: Be prepared for her to get your order wrong.
MS: Good point. Okay, after the intermission, things really got interesting. First up was that bald Chris dude, rocking out with some Led Zeppelin and Bon Jovi. Had a little trouble with Styx’s Renegade, though.
BQ: I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying too much attention to his singing. I was staring at his open-shirted chest the whole time.
MS: Tsk, tsk.
BQ: Don’t tsk me! You had Lisa, Pickler, and Katharine McPhee for your eye candy.
MS: I admired them strictly for their vocal talent, I assure you.
BQ: Vocal talent? You really want me to respond to that?
MS: Then there was that Elliott guy. Good voice, nice presence, just didn’t care for his material.
BQ: Yeah, it’s strange. For somebody with such an awesome voice, he sure is forgettable. Couldn’t tell you what he sang.
MS: What who sang?
BQ: I don’t remember.
MS: Then there was the true showstopper in this bunch, the incomparable Nanny McPhee.
MS: Katharine. Yeah, she was great. Glamour, talent, bad ankle, she had it all.
BQ: Yeah. At first I couldn’t figure out why she was walking around barefoot, but you later informed me that she had a sprained ankle. I guess some of us are more up to date on our Katharine McPhee trivia than others. But her rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow was incredible.
MS: Yep, she’s a performer. I’m expecting big things from her in the future. Or maybe we’ll never hear from her again. At least I got my 8×10 glossy photo of her to help me remember the greatness.
BQ: Let’s not forget the American Idol champion, Taylor Hicks.
MS: Can we please?
BQ: If only I could. The images are haunting me at night.
MS: Yeah, him and Bucky the hippie cowboy!
BQ: No, not Bucky. Bucky good. Taylor so bad.
MS: We agree on that, Your Majesty. He was painful to watch, spazzing around the stage like a . . . spastic . . . guy.
BQ: He looked like he had a tic set to a beat. Barely. While high on cocaine. And having an itch he just couldn’t quite reach.
MS: So . . . he danced like a white guy. Tell me something I don’t know. He was lame. Nice finale with all the Idols on stage doing Living in America, didn’t you think?
BQ: In all honesty, I don’t really know. I was just so happy when the show ended that I stood up and applauded.
MS: It wasn’t that bad! Just a nice slice of Americana. Well, that’s all folks! Say good night, Queen.
BQ: Good night, Bucky.